i'm still here...

I remember when i was far younger and still on the web when we had to put tags like that in the subject line lest our post might drive someone to do the unthinkable.
I have had a great many challenges in my life and i have surmounted all issues and come through all with flying colors (if you want to call flaming neon green poo flying colors). I have reached an empasse...
I no longer wish to awaken in the morning in my present state. I awaken to the feeling of not being rested. Not only am i not feeling refreshed, but my eyes are showing it. My suffering is great, but i know my job.
I am mother, daughter, friend, sister and so much more. All that i am is important to me, however, the medical professionals that i entrust with my well being have left me in a state of barely uncontrolled FURY. I cannot make an appointment right now because my anger lashes out. It is an animal that i am no longer able to poo-poo into solution.
People keep asking me if i am under a great amount of stress. No more than usual, i say, and getting better all the time. I really should not be driving, but how do you get to the appointments?
I went to the dentist yesterday, at the behest of my neurologist, who i was referred to by psychiatry because they, who i was referred to by my primary doctor, because she had no idea either, to check out somehting so far fetched that even my dentist had a huge smile on his face. My primary had even sent me to rheumatologist because she had lost her footing with me not once, but twice.

So, without bitching about my symptoms goings-on, i will leave it at that.

My statement:
I do not want to die, yet i feel as if each day is my last. I have so much to live for. I am worth so much to myself and the people around me that it is unfair for someone who has so much to live for to be in this situation.
I know that when i explain the above statement to the powers that be, they feel no option but to consider me 51/50 and send the paddy wagon to keep themselves out of potential future litigation, by showing that they "did all that they could do".
What is untrue about their statement is that they have not done all that they can do.
I will continue to demand that they help me so thay we can work together to give me a reason to get out of bed and face the world and life that i love and miss so much.
On to the ombudsman tomorrow.

G