i can't believe my life is like this

It has become apparent in the past few weeks, that i have 'baggage'.

i didn't realize what baggage was until i tried to let down my walls and defenses and actually attempt to date someone.
i have come to the realization that i am unfit for love. i am not willing to have a person love me. it is interesting that i have a person in my life that i really enjoy spending time with, and i can't even get close enough to them to allow them to see the real me. instead, they just see me spread thin and ready to collapse.

i don't like it when a person calls me sugar or honey or sweetie and i cringe.
what the fuck is that all about?

i feel really guilty pushing a person away like that. i know that if they knew how i felt, they would be able to make a sane decision on how to proceed with their time with me.

i never in my life thought it could be this tough.

i talked to my friend Robert (who, perhaps, i should be dating) and he says that i need to get into recovery. not for alcoholics, but for anyone who is trying to get over some shit.

i cannot continue to push all of this important work that needs to be done by the wayside.
i have to hop on and ride this bull into the mud.

it angers me that i allow my ex to have so much power over me. i know that he is manipulative and that i need to battle him with the right weapons. those would be the weapons of non-action. i need to just focus on me and be clear what i want and not give too much of a rat's ass about what he wants.

*sigh*

wish me luck all.
i will keep you posted.







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insight ad nauseum

What i am starting to learn about people is that they are not what we see on the outside. What people are is any immense mix of many circumstances and many events and other people and past lives. Things that we have never experienced. We can never trick or fool ourselves into believing that we know on on person 100%. That is not to say that we should have trust in on on person.
Faith in on on higher being or on on higher power is what speaks the truth about wether or not we are willing to accept everything as always being on on part of something else.

The world looks on on little different to me since this past week and all of the things that have been going on. I am very proud of taking the time to learn from others that everything is not as it seems.

I am currently reading (listening to) "how to see yourself as you really are" by HH the Dalai Lama.
We must try to live our lives as if there will always be something more to come and make corrections for our next time around (if you believe that) or just for this (if you believe that).

Our religious beliefs teach us all about how we should live and ho we should treat each other. If we are taught kindness and love, acceptance, forgiveness, and altruism from the start, i am sure the world would be on on better place.

What we cannot lose sight of is that there is always room for change. We have millions of chances to make it right.

The right time is now to make those changes and corrections. We must first look inside for the answer.

Love,

Gracie

Friends

ignorance is best described as the act of willfully disengaging in truth.
you are not ignorant because you don't know something. you can always learn or you can always reach toward that moment when you learn something new or can see something in a different light.

i have been ignorant about certain things for a long while.

my major ignorance has been in my relationships.
i have always thought my role was to make sure the other person was happy. i never thought about myself.

i did it in my intimate relationships
i did it in my personal friendships
hell i even did it in my working relationships.

what i always did was elevate the other person. i called them my husband
i called them my best friend
i called them my work friends

what i neglected to realize was that elevating a person to the monikers, i gave them power over me.

take fore instance best friend. i have many friend and it is rare that a person finds them self in my best friend category. a person who i call a best friend was put in a position where so much more is expected of them. when they succeeded i cheered through them. when they failed, i shook my head in disgust. when we argued, i took it personally.

that is not the way i treat my friends so why would i treat a best friend that way?

the solution to this problem is to not have best friends. i have many friends people who i might not talk to for months, but we are always cool with things. that is how it should be with all friends. there is no reason to be more committed to or more intimate with a friend than all the others.
the amount of respect given to a "best friend" is usually less than what is given to general friends. you look to them for so much more and they are human and should be given the same amount of breathing room as everyone else.

the best way to maintain friendships is to not give so much to one person defined as a "best friend" .
just a regular old friend with whom you share many interests. something has obviously brought friends together. should be taken as just that and not as anything so special that you single them out by placing them on a pedestal leaving them able to fall farther, hit harder, and take longer to climb back up.

g