This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
January 28, 2012
Change is good... all the time
If you watch nothing else in your life with a mission for change, watch this 20 minute clip with a direction of where our wisdom may work for us.
in my personal experience, this is how i feel. this “game” that i am forced to play in order to do what is right some days knocks the wind out of my sails.
i operate on the idea that we need a huge change in not how we live, love, and work, but in WHY we do it.
last night during our family meeting, we touched on grandma Melernea’s gold kaiser card. Barry Schwartz talks about the janitors who have the wisdom to do their jobs well with the intent of offering caring service to others. when i think of my grandmother and the fact that she did housekeeping for as many years as she had when others ask if she is a doctor, the answer should be “no” with a reply of “better”.
like the janitor who cleaned the floor in the room of the comatose man TWICE because the father who had been sitting vigil for 3 months didn’t see it done and was upset; like the housekeeper who did not vacuum because another family who had spent a great deal of time in a waiting room were asleep; and for the janitor who stopped mopping the floor so that a patient who was trying to regain strength could walk the halls.
we have to remember that so much of what makes this world a fantastic place comes from those who society looks at as the bottom of the pickings pile. we should never give up hope that doctors, lawyers, politicians, and yes even businessmen on Wall Street can reach for greatness by being more like janitors and housekeepers and persons who work with the public and do their jobs well and with wisdom simply… because… it … is … right
Goddess
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
August 15, 2009
I HATE YOU!!!!!
*WARNING*
If you are truly a 'baby daddy' in all matter of that term, DO NOT read this entry. You might read some shit about yourself that you might not want to hear*
Granted, the mere title "Ramblings of a Single Parent Goddess" might be a reason why I have no male followers, the note above might be for naught but it is what it is.
I will be the first to admit that I fucked up royal by having a child with you. On the other hand, I will never be the one who is first accused of being immature and childish. I love my son with everything that I have and I realize that being a single parent with minimal help and relief time is not the most exciting thing to do and if I could have it another way, I would.
That being said, if I had to do this ALL over again and not have my son, I would choose to stay right where I am... Mad as Fuck!
This is why I need to get this out of my system today and now and forever. For my sanity's sake:
Today, I must say that I hate you with all that I have.
As a mother, I have come to the decision that my son comes first. Before everything, I must think of his safety.
Downside is that I married your stupid ass and just getting off the phone with you is something that has me clawing at the walls whenever I must speak with you.
There comes a time in a person's life when they have to own up to their mistakes and move forward with a new way of thinking.
I am more than aware that you did not willingly choose to have children and I am more than aware that you feel you are forced to do your job as a parent. I also understand that you feel that your life is over (if it ever actually began) when God gave you this beautiful child and you chose to spit in His face by calling the child's mother out and stomping your feet and begging her to have an abortion when she could have and to give him up for adoption after it was no longer an option.
You never saw that this girl you called yourself "dating" was maturing before your eyes and was looking at you like a madman and having difficulty looking at herself in the mirror trying not to see the victim that she had become. By the time your son was conceived (albeit not on purpose, not in an "I'm going to trap him with a kid" kind of thinking) I, the woman you had controlled all those years, was done with being controlled. The mere thought of raising a child in the life she was living was not going to work and I planned for a year, and left you when the boy was only 17 months old. I was not going to stick it out with your crazy ass and have my son grow up watching without an ounce of respect for others.
I was unaware that at the age of 19, I would meet a man who at 37, should have known that there was something almost criminal in dating someone my age. You, if your mother had raised you right, should have been able to recognize that the woman you had added on as a 'friend'(at least that is what you told your girlfriend I was) was young enough to be your fucking daughter.
Shame on you for searching out women and girls with not the best self esteem so you could be the man of the house and run their worlds.
Some how at that time I thought you were good for me (because I wasn't thinking) and I sure as hell know better now.
When I get on the phone, I want to scream and yell at you because I know you are still stalking girls now old enough to be MY daughters and that makes me sick.
So when I ask for a slight modification in the schedule, reply via email because you will have a monster on the end of the line until I decide in my head that I choose not to hate you anymore.
Please don't look for a miracle to happen any time soon. I took 13 years of your shit and I make no estimation as to when I will stop hating you. It is my turn to dish out what you gave me and if you are thinking clearly, which you more than likely are not, you wouldn't want to call me for shit.
I will make every effort to be civil, but know that the sound of your voice is more than I can tolerate at this point in my life and I would be more than satisfied if I NEVER had to hear your squeaky upstate NY accent ever again.
Thank you for calling me as I was writing this, so I could tell it to you personally.
Goddess
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
If you are truly a 'baby daddy' in all matter of that term, DO NOT read this entry. You might read some shit about yourself that you might not want to hear*
Granted, the mere title "Ramblings of a Single Parent Goddess" might be a reason why I have no male followers, the note above might be for naught but it is what it is.
I will be the first to admit that I fucked up royal by having a child with you. On the other hand, I will never be the one who is first accused of being immature and childish. I love my son with everything that I have and I realize that being a single parent with minimal help and relief time is not the most exciting thing to do and if I could have it another way, I would.
That being said, if I had to do this ALL over again and not have my son, I would choose to stay right where I am... Mad as Fuck!
This is why I need to get this out of my system today and now and forever. For my sanity's sake:
Today, I must say that I hate you with all that I have.
As a mother, I have come to the decision that my son comes first. Before everything, I must think of his safety.
Downside is that I married your stupid ass and just getting off the phone with you is something that has me clawing at the walls whenever I must speak with you.
There comes a time in a person's life when they have to own up to their mistakes and move forward with a new way of thinking.
I am more than aware that you did not willingly choose to have children and I am more than aware that you feel you are forced to do your job as a parent. I also understand that you feel that your life is over (if it ever actually began) when God gave you this beautiful child and you chose to spit in His face by calling the child's mother out and stomping your feet and begging her to have an abortion when she could have and to give him up for adoption after it was no longer an option.
You never saw that this girl you called yourself "dating" was maturing before your eyes and was looking at you like a madman and having difficulty looking at herself in the mirror trying not to see the victim that she had become. By the time your son was conceived (albeit not on purpose, not in an "I'm going to trap him with a kid" kind of thinking) I, the woman you had controlled all those years, was done with being controlled. The mere thought of raising a child in the life she was living was not going to work and I planned for a year, and left you when the boy was only 17 months old. I was not going to stick it out with your crazy ass and have my son grow up watching without an ounce of respect for others.
I was unaware that at the age of 19, I would meet a man who at 37, should have known that there was something almost criminal in dating someone my age. You, if your mother had raised you right, should have been able to recognize that the woman you had added on as a 'friend'(at least that is what you told your girlfriend I was) was young enough to be your fucking daughter.
Shame on you for searching out women and girls with not the best self esteem so you could be the man of the house and run their worlds.
Some how at that time I thought you were good for me (because I wasn't thinking) and I sure as hell know better now.
When I get on the phone, I want to scream and yell at you because I know you are still stalking girls now old enough to be MY daughters and that makes me sick.
So when I ask for a slight modification in the schedule, reply via email because you will have a monster on the end of the line until I decide in my head that I choose not to hate you anymore.
Please don't look for a miracle to happen any time soon. I took 13 years of your shit and I make no estimation as to when I will stop hating you. It is my turn to dish out what you gave me and if you are thinking clearly, which you more than likely are not, you wouldn't want to call me for shit.
I will make every effort to be civil, but know that the sound of your voice is more than I can tolerate at this point in my life and I would be more than satisfied if I NEVER had to hear your squeaky upstate NY accent ever again.
Thank you for calling me as I was writing this, so I could tell it to you personally.
Goddess
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
July 10, 2009
Lose it like you're getting paid to do it!
I lose it sometimes, and I am proud.
That is not to say that I lose it for the sake of satisfaction of watching little children cower at my feet cringing at the very vibration of my soprano holler...
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I have come to realize that in order to make any attempt at raising well balanced, well rounded, self starting children who will be the adults helping you in and out of bed and on and off the bedpans in your old age, you gotta let them see your human side.
It is okay to lose your cool but you have to set the framework up for how you lose it and make sure your children are comfortable with the process.
I used to yell a great deal. Then, one day, I saw my precious child draw back at my noise level. At that point, I decided that I would stop yelling but I would not give up my release of getting angry and losing it from time to time. I think it is perfectly okay for children to see their parents half cocked and looking a bit crazy. Adds to the flavor of the food at dinnertime.
I had a friend in grade school who had parents that would crack me up when they got angry.Her mom would chew her tongue while scolding her.
Try it. I know you want to... :)
Her stepfather would point at her with his middle finger when he was scolding. It was extra hilarious to watch them both scolding her at the same time.
ah... childhood...
I am thankful to be growing up alongside a young man who sometimes loses it himself. When he has his moments, we can talk about it and how he feels because he knows that I understand because I have been there and he has been witness; willing and unwilling.
So my advice is to never be afraid to lose your cool in front of your children from time to time...
They will respect you for it.
And you will gain respect in a relationship that at times can make you want to flip your lid.
Goddess
That is not to say that I lose it for the sake of satisfaction of watching little children cower at my feet cringing at the very vibration of my soprano holler...
javascript:void(0)
I have come to realize that in order to make any attempt at raising well balanced, well rounded, self starting children who will be the adults helping you in and out of bed and on and off the bedpans in your old age, you gotta let them see your human side.
It is okay to lose your cool but you have to set the framework up for how you lose it and make sure your children are comfortable with the process.
I used to yell a great deal. Then, one day, I saw my precious child draw back at my noise level. At that point, I decided that I would stop yelling but I would not give up my release of getting angry and losing it from time to time. I think it is perfectly okay for children to see their parents half cocked and looking a bit crazy. Adds to the flavor of the food at dinnertime.
I had a friend in grade school who had parents that would crack me up when they got angry.Her mom would chew her tongue while scolding her.
Try it. I know you want to... :)
Her stepfather would point at her with his middle finger when he was scolding. It was extra hilarious to watch them both scolding her at the same time.
ah... childhood...
I am thankful to be growing up alongside a young man who sometimes loses it himself. When he has his moments, we can talk about it and how he feels because he knows that I understand because I have been there and he has been witness; willing and unwilling.
So my advice is to never be afraid to lose your cool in front of your children from time to time...
They will respect you for it.
And you will gain respect in a relationship that at times can make you want to flip your lid.
Goddess
More parenting videos on JuiceBoxJungle
June 18, 2009
going back to school
Oh the horror of considering going back to school and being disappointed by what you think are your failures.
I have not failed. I have triumphed. I have managed to leave a destructive relationship, found a love of myself that I still battle with, but am growing more comfortable with day by day. I am proud of myself for taking a risk and coming here today. I sit in a room filled with many people who are noticably younger than me but I cannot let that bother me. I will press through and continue to make strides toward the future that I want for my son and I.
I feel like I have wasted my time in junior college because I have what feels like nothing to show for my hard work. I had to take a break and call my Auntie Terrie for a kick in the ass. Necessary? Hell yeah. I am sick of my job at ATT. It is time to go. It is time to not be at a place in my life where I want to run but have nowhere to go. I want a place to run, so I will be able to take refuge in a place of solace.
So I have had my good cry... I have taken my time to fall apart. I have been through a fire drill and I am set.
This is MY choice. This is MY life. This is MY change. This is MY future.
Stay tuned...
Goddess
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
I have not failed. I have triumphed. I have managed to leave a destructive relationship, found a love of myself that I still battle with, but am growing more comfortable with day by day. I am proud of myself for taking a risk and coming here today. I sit in a room filled with many people who are noticably younger than me but I cannot let that bother me. I will press through and continue to make strides toward the future that I want for my son and I.
I feel like I have wasted my time in junior college because I have what feels like nothing to show for my hard work. I had to take a break and call my Auntie Terrie for a kick in the ass. Necessary? Hell yeah. I am sick of my job at ATT. It is time to go. It is time to not be at a place in my life where I want to run but have nowhere to go. I want a place to run, so I will be able to take refuge in a place of solace.
So I have had my good cry... I have taken my time to fall apart. I have been through a fire drill and I am set.
This is MY choice. This is MY life. This is MY change. This is MY future.
Stay tuned...
Goddess
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
May 22, 2009
Fuckwad...Fuckiedoodle...Homewrecking Ikea!
Cleaning this house is going to take a combination of Freecycle, a yard sale from Hades and some Zanax to get done! There is no way I am going to get this house cleaned with all that is in it. I am going to have to start tossing things.
Then I think to myself. What am I going to do with all my books? My lost socks? My clothes that don't fit? my Time? My energy?
I am so sure that there will come a time in the future (whenever that may be) when I need those books for PowerPoint 2000, that they are still in my closet collecting dust.
*do you hear screeching car wheels?*
Well I sure as hell do and it is fine time this house gets a real tearing down.
That little lady on Poltergeist was wrong too so I make note to myself not to call on her. I don't think she would be worth my money.
I came home today and stared and stared at my house.
Laundry in the living room. My work desk items packed from preparing for a strike blocking the patio door. My TV room is just a mess with nothing. It is neither messy, organized or orderly. I don't have a word for that room.
My son's room is full of his mess and I have committed myself to turning that over to his great-uncle for maintenance.
The spare bedroom just begs for attention, but I can't get that far.
My bedroom is where I need to start. But do I want to strip it down to the bare walls and start over or just rearrange it.
Let me start by saying that I have rearranged this room at least 6 times in the past 4 years. Rearrangement is not working. The furniture is cool, but I have just too much stuff in there. I have not enough closet space and the clothes I try to squeeze in there I can't squeeze into myself, so why do I continue to keep them around?
Shit!
I have a 3 day weekend and I am going to dig in. Just one room.
My bedroom.
Anyone up for a yard sale?
...
...
...
Anyone???
Goddess
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Then I think to myself. What am I going to do with all my books? My lost socks? My clothes that don't fit? my Time? My energy?
I am so sure that there will come a time in the future (whenever that may be) when I need those books for PowerPoint 2000, that they are still in my closet collecting dust.
*do you hear screeching car wheels?*
Well I sure as hell do and it is fine time this house gets a real tearing down.
That little lady on Poltergeist was wrong too so I make note to myself not to call on her. I don't think she would be worth my money.
I came home today and stared and stared at my house.
Laundry in the living room. My work desk items packed from preparing for a strike blocking the patio door. My TV room is just a mess with nothing. It is neither messy, organized or orderly. I don't have a word for that room.
My son's room is full of his mess and I have committed myself to turning that over to his great-uncle for maintenance.
The spare bedroom just begs for attention, but I can't get that far.
My bedroom is where I need to start. But do I want to strip it down to the bare walls and start over or just rearrange it.
Let me start by saying that I have rearranged this room at least 6 times in the past 4 years. Rearrangement is not working. The furniture is cool, but I have just too much stuff in there. I have not enough closet space and the clothes I try to squeeze in there I can't squeeze into myself, so why do I continue to keep them around?
Shit!
I have a 3 day weekend and I am going to dig in. Just one room.
My bedroom.
Anyone up for a yard sale?
...
...
...
Anyone???
Goddess
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
May 17, 2009
Non-Custodial Parent relief my arse!
Once again, I am faced with another Sunday on a 1st and 3rd weekend.
My son leaves for his fathers in the late afternoon of saturday and I pick him up on the early evening of Sunday.
some folks would say that I should be happy to have the time off but what most people don't realize is that the time my son is at his fathers house , I have barely enough time to think let alone, try to get all of the things that I have neglected over the past 2 weeks and get the rest that I so badly need to catch up on.
I slept in this morning until 10am. I then went to cut the front lawn. It is now noon and I am sitting here at my computer, looking at a living room with all the shit on the floor swept into a pile by the patio door, three loads of laundy to do and 1 load of towels.
As I turn my head to the left and look behind me, I see a kitchen that is just begging for attention. I have two bathrooms that I just shut the door on most days because they are at the bottom of a monumental list.
No time for myself pisses me off. I am stretched beyond what should be allowed for single parents.
This is not how single parenting should be. That is why it is better to raise a child together and equally, even if you are not together anymore.
I watched a little TV last night read a little of a new book I would love to finish sometime in the next century and hit the sack.
Now I have weeds to pull on my patio and the laundry and the kitchen and the tv room. did I forget to mention the tv room. Jeezus Mary Mother of God.
That is another nightmare.
I want to say f*ck it and head on out to the movies but I know this stuff needs to get done.
Bad thing is that I only have 4.5 hours left in my day to get anything done because I have to leave my house to head downtown to pick up my son by 5pm.
I have a frriend , a lovely friend, Kathy who caught me and called me on my sh*t by recognizing that I never ask for help, so now I have to allow her to help me because I am at a level of overwhelm where I want to say "fuck it" all the time. She is right.
I will ask for help.
I can ask for help.
There are so many things that i just give up on.
Oh yeah... I CAN do Algebra *thanks Terrie*
correcction... 4.25 hours now.
Goddess
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
My son leaves for his fathers in the late afternoon of saturday and I pick him up on the early evening of Sunday.
some folks would say that I should be happy to have the time off but what most people don't realize is that the time my son is at his fathers house , I have barely enough time to think let alone, try to get all of the things that I have neglected over the past 2 weeks and get the rest that I so badly need to catch up on.
I slept in this morning until 10am. I then went to cut the front lawn. It is now noon and I am sitting here at my computer, looking at a living room with all the shit on the floor swept into a pile by the patio door, three loads of laundy to do and 1 load of towels.
As I turn my head to the left and look behind me, I see a kitchen that is just begging for attention. I have two bathrooms that I just shut the door on most days because they are at the bottom of a monumental list.
No time for myself pisses me off. I am stretched beyond what should be allowed for single parents.
This is not how single parenting should be. That is why it is better to raise a child together and equally, even if you are not together anymore.
I watched a little TV last night read a little of a new book I would love to finish sometime in the next century and hit the sack.
Now I have weeds to pull on my patio and the laundry and the kitchen and the tv room. did I forget to mention the tv room. Jeezus Mary Mother of God.
That is another nightmare.
I want to say f*ck it and head on out to the movies but I know this stuff needs to get done.
Bad thing is that I only have 4.5 hours left in my day to get anything done because I have to leave my house to head downtown to pick up my son by 5pm.
I have a frriend , a lovely friend, Kathy who caught me and called me on my sh*t by recognizing that I never ask for help, so now I have to allow her to help me because I am at a level of overwhelm where I want to say "fuck it" all the time. She is right.
I will ask for help.
I can ask for help.
There are so many things that i just give up on.
Oh yeah... I CAN do Algebra *thanks Terrie*
correcction... 4.25 hours now.
Goddess
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
January 30, 2008
i can't believe my life is like this
It has become apparent in the past few weeks, that i have 'baggage'.
i didn't realize what baggage was until i tried to let down my walls and defenses and actually attempt to date someone.
i have come to the realization that i am unfit for love. i am not willing to have a person love me. it is interesting that i have a person in my life that i really enjoy spending time with, and i can't even get close enough to them to allow them to see the real me. instead, they just see me spread thin and ready to collapse.
i don't like it when a person calls me sugar or honey or sweetie and i cringe.
what the fuck is that all about?
i feel really guilty pushing a person away like that. i know that if they knew how i felt, they would be able to make a sane decision on how to proceed with their time with me.
i never in my life thought it could be this tough.
i talked to my friend Robert (who, perhaps, i should be dating) and he says that i need to get into recovery. not for alcoholics, but for anyone who is trying to get over some shit.
i cannot continue to push all of this important work that needs to be done by the wayside.
i have to hop on and ride this bull into the mud.
it angers me that i allow my ex to have so much power over me. i know that he is manipulative and that i need to battle him with the right weapons. those would be the weapons of non-action. i need to just focus on me and be clear what i want and not give too much of a rat's ass about what he wants.
*sigh*
wish me luck all.
i will keep you posted.
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
i didn't realize what baggage was until i tried to let down my walls and defenses and actually attempt to date someone.
i have come to the realization that i am unfit for love. i am not willing to have a person love me. it is interesting that i have a person in my life that i really enjoy spending time with, and i can't even get close enough to them to allow them to see the real me. instead, they just see me spread thin and ready to collapse.
i don't like it when a person calls me sugar or honey or sweetie and i cringe.
what the fuck is that all about?
i feel really guilty pushing a person away like that. i know that if they knew how i felt, they would be able to make a sane decision on how to proceed with their time with me.
i never in my life thought it could be this tough.
i talked to my friend Robert (who, perhaps, i should be dating) and he says that i need to get into recovery. not for alcoholics, but for anyone who is trying to get over some shit.
i cannot continue to push all of this important work that needs to be done by the wayside.
i have to hop on and ride this bull into the mud.
it angers me that i allow my ex to have so much power over me. i know that he is manipulative and that i need to battle him with the right weapons. those would be the weapons of non-action. i need to just focus on me and be clear what i want and not give too much of a rat's ass about what he wants.
*sigh*
wish me luck all.
i will keep you posted.
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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