lightening my baggage load a little

Life is beginning to look up.

I really got down to the meat and potatoes of my baggage concerns.

A huge chunk of my dating woes fall into the category of the fact that I cannot date Black men.

It turns out that I CAN but I choose NOT to. That is a problem now isn't it?


I cannot sit and complain about how little I date when I have effectively cut my dating pool in half at least by limiting this group of men.

I am now going to have to work on how I feel about dating Black men because there is nothing wrong with them. I am looking at them and blocking them into an entire race of people that I don't know.
I have not met every last Black person on the planet so I really cannot say that I am not attracted to Black men. I cannot say that all black mean are going to treat me bad. I am not saying that all Black men are uneducated.

What I have done is take all of the Black people that I have met who I did not have a good mix with since elementary school and lumped them all into the same category.

I am guilty of using the reference of "those people". I have found that when you fear something, you want to do your best to distance yourself from it. I do not fear Black men.

What I fear the most is opening up myself to life and risking getting hurt again. I don't want to have to learn any more lessons right now. I would like to think that I have learned all tat I can, but I am not really old enough to say that I have learned anything.

not necessarily shame on me. but use your brain more is certainly an admonishment I am willing to put in my "in" box.



This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

i can't believe my life is like this

It has become apparent in the past few weeks, that i have 'baggage'.

i didn't realize what baggage was until i tried to let down my walls and defenses and actually attempt to date someone.
i have come to the realization that i am unfit for love. i am not willing to have a person love me. it is interesting that i have a person in my life that i really enjoy spending time with, and i can't even get close enough to them to allow them to see the real me. instead, they just see me spread thin and ready to collapse.

i don't like it when a person calls me sugar or honey or sweetie and i cringe.
what the fuck is that all about?

i feel really guilty pushing a person away like that. i know that if they knew how i felt, they would be able to make a sane decision on how to proceed with their time with me.

i never in my life thought it could be this tough.

i talked to my friend Robert (who, perhaps, i should be dating) and he says that i need to get into recovery. not for alcoholics, but for anyone who is trying to get over some shit.

i cannot continue to push all of this important work that needs to be done by the wayside.
i have to hop on and ride this bull into the mud.

it angers me that i allow my ex to have so much power over me. i know that he is manipulative and that i need to battle him with the right weapons. those would be the weapons of non-action. i need to just focus on me and be clear what i want and not give too much of a rat's ass about what he wants.

*sigh*

wish me luck all.
i will keep you posted.







This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Please read entire post before you are offended

the post that i had in december about the woman on the french game show obviously offended some people. i showed the video to make a point.

i have removed the video, but i have not removed the link. if you are adult enough to watch the video then click the link in the post below, otherwise...






This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.