i didn't realize what baggage was until i tried to let down my walls and defenses and actually attempt to date someone.
i have come to the realization that i am unfit for love. i am not willing to have a person love me. it is interesting that i have a person in my life that i really enjoy spending time with, and i can't even get close enough to them to allow them to see the real me. instead, they just see me spread thin and ready to collapse.
i don't like it when a person calls me sugar or honey or sweetie and i cringe.
what the fuck is that all about?
i feel really guilty pushing a person away like that. i know that if they knew how i felt, they would be able to make a sane decision on how to proceed with their time with me.
i never in my life thought it could be this tough.
i talked to my friend Robert (who, perhaps, i should be dating) and he says that i need to get into recovery. not for alcoholics, but for anyone who is trying to get over some shit.
i cannot continue to push all of this important work that needs to be done by the wayside.
i have to hop on and ride this bull into the mud.
it angers me that i allow my ex to have so much power over me. i know that he is manipulative and that i need to battle him with the right weapons. those would be the weapons of non-action. i need to just focus on me and be clear what i want and not give too much of a rat's ass about what he wants.
*sigh*
wish me luck all.
i will keep you posted.
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